Long term effects of divorce on children
Does divorce have long term effects on children?
Usually it is the whole process of divorce on children which affects them. It doesn’t generally just happen one day that you and your partner decide to divorce and then tell the kids immediately. There will have been obvious signs that things weren’t right between the two of you such as rows, tears, drinking, staying out late or maybe not coming home at all. Children, like animals, are very sensitive to atmosphere and so will have picked up that something is going on.
So the really painful time for the children is while we are still together?
A childs security is wrapped up in its relationship with its parents. When the cracks start to show and the relationship begins to crumble the child starts feeling very insecure. He can then become very introverted because he is hoping that if he’s very quiet he can’t make the situation worse by saying the wrong thing. One of the psychological effects of divorce on children is that they feel that they are to blame and that it is all their fault.
Is there anything we can do to make it easier for them?
Most couples find this very difficult to deal with as they are so wrapped up in their own emotions, their distress and grief that they are finding it hard enough to function themselves without considering how their behaviour is affecting anyone else, let alone their children. In the bonus eBook How to Lessen the Effects of Divorce on Children which I am giving away free with my eBook 3 Easy Steps to End Divorce Pain I explain in detail how to make things easier for the children and get right down to the core of the matter. I show how to reduce the negative effect of divorce on children.
What about when we’ve separated and live in different places?
A childs main fear is what is going to happen to me when my parents really do stop living together, when the rows actually culminate in the definate action of one parent moving out. At that stage one of the children depending on their age, usually takes on an adult role – one child expressed it as the ‘end of his childhood’. If they’re not careful even though you are no longer all under the same roof they can still get dragged into the arguments and end up taking sides which in itself is very distresssing for the child concerned.
What are some other effects of divorce on children?
Unless they have been the victims of abuse, whether sexual, drug or alcohol related, at home in which case there can only be the positive effects of divorce on children, it is a very upsetting and unsettling time for them. They don’t quite know what’s going to happen to their family unit and find dealing with the divorce depression which pervades the house very difficult. They may become agressive or violent as they struggle to deal with the emotions that are welling up inside them and that they are trying to deal with.
But over a period of time the attitude of the children and divorce effects will lessen won’t they?
It should do but it depends on the parents attitude. Some parents have dragged it all on for so long through the courts blaming the other party and have beome so bitter and controlling that the divorce has taken over their lives and subsequently affected their children giving them a very distorted view of the way relationships work. It can also leave a child struggling with long term emotional issues. This and other important issues are discussed in detail in my eBook and I give you help and guidance to assist both yourself and your children whilst you journey through this emotional minefield.
Reasons for Divorce
How many reasons are there for divorce?
This question can be looked at in different ways. There are the divorce grounds as stated in the courts such as
- cruelty
- adultery
- irretrievable breakdown
- desertion
- lengthy prison sentence
- bigamy
However there are also the emotional reasons as to why 2 people feel they can no longer live together and so need to end their relationship in divorce.
Why do people choose to divorce?
When 2 people meet and there is a mutual attraction our biological built in responses kick in. We experience a chemical change and fall in love with the other person feeling that we just can’t live without them. As a result of this, we generally either end up marrying them or co-habiting with them. You cannot possibly know the other person before you live with them. After all how often do you surprise yourself and you’ve always been there? So after a time one of you starts to realise that the person they married is not who they thought they were and decides that they no longer want to live with someone who has become a stranger to them.
Is this always the reason?
In very broad terms yes. However as everyone is unique so is everyone’s story and reasons. When people are living apart they are
able to conceal certain parts of their character which are not so attractive to another person. But when they are living together these different aspects reveal themselves even if the other person has made a decision to keep these darker parts of him or herself secret as it is impossible to hide them all the time despite their intent.
Is getting married when you are very young a reason for a marriage to fail?
Not always. It depends on the circumstances and the people involved. When individuals who are very young get married they have not finished maturing and turning into the adult that they will become. As they grow older and evolve into the special individual that is them they sometimes find that they have grown away from their partner. This is because they are changing in different ways and no longer have the same common interests that they used to share. These differences then provide the divorce grounds.
What if I decide to stay?
The choice is always yours and you have to live with the consequences. You can however suffer with divorce effects without the divorce. Loneliness within a marriage or relationship is worse than the loneliness you feel when you are on your own. So you may still experience divorce depression, divorce grief and divorce emotions without the benefit of divorce support. It can be a very challenging time especially if you are not sharing your problems with anyone.
So are you saying that I have no future if I stay?
No thats not what I mean. If you decide to stay then you must commit yourself wholeheartedly to the relationship and go and get help if you need it either together or individually from counsellors and/or therapists. But it isn’t just about your relationship with your partner it’s also about the relationship which you have with yourself. I set out various strategies in my eBook 3 Easy Steps to End Divorce Pain to help you to improve your life and these work just as effectively whether you are staying in your relationship or whether you are looking for divorce advice and divorce help.
What do you mean about the relationship with myself?
Whether you decide to stay with your husband or partner or leave, the one constant in your life is YOU. You are there for yourself 24/7 and much of the time you are not being very supportive. There is this nagging voice inside you who criticises you 
regularly and affects your self esteem and feelings of self worth. So because you cannot escape from yourself it makes sense to do whatever you can to improve your relationship with you. You can have as many reasons for divorce from yourself as you can from another person and I get to the real understanding of what you can do to help yourself in my eBook.
So actually the best thing that I can do to help my relationship is to look at myself?
Yes thats absolutely right. You cannot change your partner. You can look at divorce options, divorce statistics and ask yourself why divorce? But at the end of the line the only person you can change is yourself. The upshot of this is that by changing yourself you may make your relationship work or you might decide that it really is in your and your partner’s best interests to get help on divorce. But by this stage because of the work that you have been doing on yourself, you will survive and be able to move on to a great new life because you will have changed your attitude towards yourself and what you feel you deserve.
Divorce effects on children statistics
What are the benefits of looking at divorce statistics?
Statistics are interesting to look at especially when it relates to something that you are interested in and/or considering doing. On the face of it they appear very straightforward when you look at the diagrams, the graphs and the explanations. For instance you are considering marriage – what are the chances that your marriage will not become a divorce statistic? Or maybe you are considering a divorce and you want to know how many other people have walked this pathway.
What is the level of accuracy of these divorce statistics?
When I was talking to my clients I wondered if it would help them to consider what the divorce statistics had to say. Would it make their decisions any easier or would it just confuse them further? Did the statistics include all the details that my clients needed to take into account? Were they misleading at all? Did they help and show what causes divorce? Did they really explain divorce facts or were they too difficult to understand adding more difficulties to an already highly emotionally charged set of circumstances?
What are the divorce statistics in USA?
There are special bodies that compile statistics for different countries. For instance in the US the body who does this is the United States Census Bureau. And in the UK the body who compiles the statistics is the Office for National Statistics. According to the United States Census Bureau there has been a downward decline in divorces in the period 1990 to 2009 (CDC/NCHS, National Vital Statistics System). The question to be asked though is, are there fewer marriages taking place? Are couples choosing to co-habit instead? In chapter 10 of my FREE bonus eBook How to Lessen the Effects of Divorce on Children I get into the real depth of these statistics.
What does the National Centre for Health Statistics say?
This is another organisation in the US who provide statistical data for all things including Marriages and Divorces. It is worth looking at and reading these figures but it should be remembered that all statistics, including divorce statistics, can be biased depending on the data that has been inputted. Remember that each number represents a person, a family and there is a story behind each one. You can read more about the meaning behind the numbers in my FREE bonus eBook which comes with my eBook 3 Easy Steps to End Divorce Pain.
What are the effects of divorce on children statistics?
Statistics about the effects of divorce on children have been compiled but not in the same way as the previously mentioned statistics. The psychological effects of divorce on children are far reaching and you can investigate this yourself by looking at how the children of your divorced friends react in certain situations. I set out in more detail the divorce effects on children statistics in Chapter 10 of my FREE bonus eBook How to Lessen the Effects of Divorce on Children. I also give more information in Chapters 3 and 4 in the same bonus eBook about the effect that their age and gender will have on the way they react to their parents divorce.
What are the effects of divorce on children?
As children, like ourselves, are unique so are their experiences and their reactions. As previously stated divorce effects on childrens statistics vary considerably depending on a great number of differing factors. Age and gender are relevant but it may be that you won’t know the real effect until they are older and choose to discuss it in more detail with you. The most important factor for them is the way that you and your partner handle the relationship breakdown and I give you some guidance in my bonus eBook which I give free with my eBook 3 Easy Steps to End Divorce Pain.
Is the above a foregone conclusion?
I don’t believe that divorced parents or parents who are on the verge of divorce should despair. Despite the divorce statistics each person and each child is an individual. How much should you rely on the divorce statistics relating to your own relationship and the effects of divorce on children statistics? Many of my friends and clients have divorced over the years and I have had the great good fortune to know their children and see first hand what effect their parents divorce has had on them. I talk more about this and give you some useful insights in my eBook How to Lessen the Effect of Divorce on Children.