Top 9 ways to get over Divorce Heartache
Who am I?
Look in the mirror and really see the person looking back at you. They are a real live human being who are special and unique with a heart that is in pain at the moment but which is still capable of love. I bet it’s some time since you did that. So now you really need to reacquaint you with yourself and get to know yourself better just like you would a new friend. And that’s who you are – a genuine person who has temporarily forgotten that, because of all the divorce grief and divorce depression that they have been going through. So lets start making you feel better about yourself.
What can I do?
1. Every day do something nice for yourself – a walk, a bubble bath, read a book, watch a comedy programme. It doesn’t matter what it is as long as you enjoy doing it and for a period of time you have forgotten about your reasons for divorce. Just totally immerse yourself in the experience of what you have chosen to do.
2. Buy yourself something new. It doesn’t matter whether its a dress (provided you can afford it) or some special soap as long as it
makes you feel special and forget the divorce effects that have been upsetting you.
3. When you looked in the mirror did you see anything that you wanted to change? How long have you had that hairdo and that colour? Maybe its time for a good cut and a change of look that is more flattering than the one you currently have. After all fashions change and new products come on the market. Spoil yourself and see what you think when you next look at yourself. I discuss all this in more detail in my eBook 3 Easy Steps to End Divorce Pain.
What are the next 3 divorce tips?
4. Spend time with family and friends who love you and make you feel good about yourself. Tell them that you don’t want any divorce advice, you just want some time to chill and feel special because of what you mean to them.
5. Boost your energy levels by getting fit. It can be walking, running or cycling every day. Or if you prefer you could join a gym, or go dancing. Swimming or maybe yoga or pilates could be more what you’d prefer doing. Again it doesn’t matter – just as long as you enjoy it. Exercise also increases your feel good factor so that in itself will help you say goodbye to your need for divorce support.
6. Smile whether you feel like it or not and enjoy the smiles you get in return in all age ranges from children to old people. Not only will it make you feel better and help you forget about your divorce depression, but it will improve their day.
And the final 3 divorce tips?
7. Concentrate on the good things that you have in your life and do not focus on what you haven’t got. What you concentrate on in your life is what you create more of so if you focus on lack that’s what you attract but if you focus on plenty then that is what you will attract. However difficult your life might appear to be to you you can always find something to be grateful for.
8. Keep saying ‘I love my life’ even if you don’t mean it because eventually you will and the more you say it the quicker your mind believes it and it happens. At that stage you won’t need to ask the question ‘why divorce?’ again.
9. Look in the mirror and see the way that you are changing as a result of having done the previous 8 tips. And in seeing the difference starting to take place in your eyes and face it will give you the confidence and strength to continue and help you know how to recover from divorce.
And finally?
Remember who you were and enjoy getting to know yourself all over again. To help you do this I set it all out in far greater depth with further advice and guidance in my eBook 3 Easy Steps to End Divorce Pain.
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Divorce advice for women
Is my relationship beyond repair?
This is a question that you need to ask yourself in the cold light of day – not when you’re feeling emotionally upset and unbalanced. If you’ve had too much to drink to numb your pain this will make you unstable and incapable of answering this question honestly. Also there is not a lot to be gained by relying on other people to answer this question for you as they may have their own agenda in that they don’t like your partner or that they never thought it would work out. If you choose to leave, it must be because of your reasons for divorce, not anyone elses.
Should I stay with him?
You have to be brutally honest with yourself when you answer this question. In fact the question that you should be asking is ‘Is it in my best interests to stay with him?’. It’s always so difficult to make decisions when you are in the middle of all the turmoil and hurt. When you are standing outside and being objective it is easy to say what that person should do but when its you its a different matter. This is your life and you have to deal with the consequences if you stay or the divorce emotions if you leave.
Will things change if I stay?
In your heart you know whether they will or not. The problem with us women is that when we marry someone we are so much in love that we overlook any little irritations or faults that we are aware of and think that we can change them anyway. But then as the euphoria wears off and these irritations become more obvious we then realise that actually we can’t change him. In fact the only person that we can change is ourselves. So thats one of the things you have to consider – he won’t change but can you change yourself so that the issues that are causing the problems are resolved? 
Is life without him more scary than staying with him?
A lot of women stay with their partners because they are fearful of the life that they will have on their own, especially if there are children involved. In many cases the children are the main reason that they stay. If however you know in your heart that everything about the relationship is wrong then you are better off leaving, spending some time on your own experiencing personal growth and creating the opportunity for the right relationship to come into your life.
But will I survive on my own?
Yes you will. I’m not saying that it will be easy for you but you will survive. Our survival instinct is older than time and especially if you have children to care for you will make sure that you ‘hang on in there’ for their sake. You will be surprised as well at all the help and support you will be offered by friends and family and even people that you haven’t yet met. It is the end of something but you have to have an end so that there can be a beginning. You will be given plenty of divorce help and divorce support and you will find plenty of advice on divorce for women in my eBook 3 Easy Steps to End Divorce Pain.
Our children will be affected by my decision.
Of course they will because he is their father, or father figure, as you are their mother. For you, you are not just considering getting advice on divorce for women but you are also looking for divorce advice for mothers. If your divorce is handled with sensitivity and the emotions and needs of your children are taken into account then a child can be more content living in a happy, peaceful atmosphere with just one parent than in a bitter, argumentative home situation with both parents.
How can I make sure that the children aren’t emotionally scarred by this experience?
There are many different factors to take into account here such as your children’s age and gender. And of course the way that you and your partner treat them is of paramount importance. It will be a challenging time for you all because emotions will be running very high and you may suffer with divorce grief and divorce depression. However in my eBook How to Lessen the Effects of Divorce on Children I show you how to deal with this situation to cause as minimal amount of emotional upset to the children as possible.
If I leave will we all be able to move on with our lives?
Yes you will. It will take a bit of time as everyone adjusts to the new situation, the new home, the access arrangements but we, as human beings, are amazingly resilient, and it doesn’t take us too long to adapt to what is our new ‘norm’. Once some distance in time has been put between you leaving and today and emotions have calmed down, you may even find that you and your partner get on much better than when you were living together. There have also been some instances where the space caused by you leaving makes you both look at your relationship in a different light and even decide to give it another go.
Reasons for Divorce
How many reasons are there for divorce?
This question can be looked at in different ways. There are the divorce grounds as stated in the courts such as
- cruelty
- adultery
- irretrievable breakdown
- desertion
- lengthy prison sentence
- bigamy
However there are also the emotional reasons as to why 2 people feel they can no longer live together and so need to end their relationship in divorce.
Why do people choose to divorce?
When 2 people meet and there is a mutual attraction our biological built in responses kick in. We experience a chemical change and fall in love with the other person feeling that we just can’t live without them. As a result of this, we generally either end up marrying them or co-habiting with them. You cannot possibly know the other person before you live with them. After all how often do you surprise yourself and you’ve always been there? So after a time one of you starts to realise that the person they married is not who they thought they were and decides that they no longer want to live with someone who has become a stranger to them.
Is this always the reason?
In very broad terms yes. However as everyone is unique so is everyone’s story and reasons. When people are living apart they are
able to conceal certain parts of their character which are not so attractive to another person. But when they are living together these different aspects reveal themselves even if the other person has made a decision to keep these darker parts of him or herself secret as it is impossible to hide them all the time despite their intent.
Is getting married when you are very young a reason for a marriage to fail?
Not always. It depends on the circumstances and the people involved. When individuals who are very young get married they have not finished maturing and turning into the adult that they will become. As they grow older and evolve into the special individual that is them they sometimes find that they have grown away from their partner. This is because they are changing in different ways and no longer have the same common interests that they used to share. These differences then provide the divorce grounds.
What if I decide to stay?
The choice is always yours and you have to live with the consequences. You can however suffer with divorce effects without the divorce. Loneliness within a marriage or relationship is worse than the loneliness you feel when you are on your own. So you may still experience divorce depression, divorce grief and divorce emotions without the benefit of divorce support. It can be a very challenging time especially if you are not sharing your problems with anyone.
So are you saying that I have no future if I stay?
No thats not what I mean. If you decide to stay then you must commit yourself wholeheartedly to the relationship and go and get help if you need it either together or individually from counsellors and/or therapists. But it isn’t just about your relationship with your partner it’s also about the relationship which you have with yourself. I set out various strategies in my eBook 3 Easy Steps to End Divorce Pain to help you to improve your life and these work just as effectively whether you are staying in your relationship or whether you are looking for divorce advice and divorce help.
What do you mean about the relationship with myself?
Whether you decide to stay with your husband or partner or leave, the one constant in your life is YOU. You are there for yourself 24/7 and much of the time you are not being very supportive. There is this nagging voice inside you who criticises you 
regularly and affects your self esteem and feelings of self worth. So because you cannot escape from yourself it makes sense to do whatever you can to improve your relationship with you. You can have as many reasons for divorce from yourself as you can from another person and I get to the real understanding of what you can do to help yourself in my eBook.
So actually the best thing that I can do to help my relationship is to look at myself?
Yes thats absolutely right. You cannot change your partner. You can look at divorce options, divorce statistics and ask yourself why divorce? But at the end of the line the only person you can change is yourself. The upshot of this is that by changing yourself you may make your relationship work or you might decide that it really is in your and your partner’s best interests to get help on divorce. But by this stage because of the work that you have been doing on yourself, you will survive and be able to move on to a great new life because you will have changed your attitude towards yourself and what you feel you deserve.
Separation and divorce advice
Who can I talk to?
When your relationship is falling apart its often very difficult to get helpful impartial advice. As far as divorce definition is concerned, generally, your friends and family will support you and his friends and family will support him. They will tell you what they think you want to hear and will also possibly get caught up in the 3D world of the mind looking at everything through the eyes of fear and blame. It has to be someone’s fault so it must be the fault of the other party, not their daughter, son etc. However even though this is emotionally satisfying it’s not particularly helpful in allowing you to work through your feelings.
Will mutual friends be able to give me advice?
This can be challenging for you as well as for them. You need to question your motives in this situation. Are you wanting their advice on divorce or are you talking to them because
- of all the happy days you’ve spent together as 2 couples
- you’re hoping he might pop round to see them whilst you’re there
- you want to hear something about him
- you are hoping that they may be able to tell him what a mistake he’s made and make him see sense
- if he hears from them how unhappy you are he may ask for the opportunity for you to give your relationship another go
- you are hoping that they will tell him what a great time you are having and make him jealous even if you’re not
- you want to be told that he’s really missing you and that he’s made a mistake
These are really bad reasons for talking to them and they may find it difficult to remain friends with both of you.
Should I be selective in whom I turn to for advice? 
The short answer to this is yes! You need to be aware of other people’s agendas. You are at an all time low, you are vulnerable and therefore it would be easy for you to be taken advantage of. A stranger may appear to be concerned, attentive and supportive but he could just be considering his own interests and not yours. At a time like this it is very important that you don’t do anything which with hindsight you will regret and that will weigh you down even more heavily than before. If you need divorce care choose carefully who you approach.
Can I share my feelings with my really close friends and get advice from them?
Of course you can – thats what friends are for and you badly need divorce support. However its amazing how your break up can change your relationships with those around you. Its true what they say that you always find out who your real friends are when times get tough. The advice that you really need to receive is gentle, loving advice, not just blind support agreeing that your partner is totally in the wrong about everything. You need someone who is prepared to listen as you unburden yourself and say the same things over and over again to try and get things straight in your head.
Is getting professional advice a good idea?
Any separation and divorce advice that you can get is a great idea. And if its from someone who is impartial and not caught up in the whole emotion of the event it will be really beneficial. They may give you a divorce test to see whether divorce is right for you and what you really want. There are a whole range of people that you can go to for advice ranging from a solicitor who can explain your legal situation to a counsellor who can help you emotionally. There are also mind, body, and soul therapists, of which I am one, who can help you reach a deeper understanding of why this has happened.
What would you consider to be a good piece of advice to give to me?
My advice on divorce and separation is that I would suggest that you try and remain centred in your heartbreak and not behave in a way that when you become less emotional and more rational you will regret, as this can cause more harm than good. It is perfectly natural to feel grief because something has ended, something you thought would last for ever has been lost and just as when someone you love dies, you have to honour this process and be gentle with yourself. The most important, and possibly the most challenging issue however, is to forgive both your ex and yourself. I discuss this more in chapter 10 of 3 Easy Steps to End Divorce Pain.
What about the children?
For the children this is a particularly difficult time. Their security and everything that they know in the form of their parents is crumbling and they will be feeling lost and out of their depth, in many instances blaming themselves for what has gone wrong. I write in detail about divorce and children, their feelings and the best way to handle the breakup in order to minimise the effect that it could have on them in my eBook How to Lessen the Effects of Divorce on Children. They look to their parents for all their knowledge and learning and if your breakup is not handled with care it could have far reaching effects on your children in adulthood.
Do you have any more separation and divorce advice?
Because I am an energy healer and work in a mind, body soul based way I look at a relationship breakup with rather a different approach from the mind based concept of failure because the relationship hasn’t worked. I see it as showing you something else which can change you in a positive way, be empowering and enable you to enjoy personal growth thereby changing your life for the better. I explain this in detail to you in my eBook setting out 3 easy steps for you to follow which enables you to move forward into a new space from the one you are currently in.
In 3 Easy Steps to End Divorce Pain I take you step by step through the emotional process of divorce and relationship breakup and show you not only how to survive but how to end up in a much heathier and happier space than where you were before.
Divorce Emotions
How are you feeling?
‘How do you think I’m feeling? My marriage or relationship has broken down and I’m devastated’, I can hear you say. Strangely enough even if you are the one that ended the relationship you will still be feeling very odd about it all. You would have been expecting to be feeling quite relieved and maybe even happy because you had finally spoken your feelings and moved out or asked your spouse/partner to leave but to your surprise you are upset. Even to the extent of asking yourself why divorce? Is it really what you want? You have temporarily forgotten all the reasons why you chose to end the relationship!
Why do we have emotions?
They seem to always be getting in the way. We appear to be ruled by our emotions and there are times when they completely
take us over and we behave most irrationally. When we are happy the world is a wonderful place even if its cold and raining. But if we are unhappy the world is grey, cold and unfriendly even if the sun is out and it’s a hot summers day. And now just when you think you can start all over again you find you are suffering with divorce grief and wondering what your divorce options are.
What would our lives be like without emotions?
It would be a much quieter place but it would be very dull. It’s our emotions that inspire us and make us connect to beautiful things such as art, nature, music and other people. If there were no emotions we wouldn’t get hurt but we’d miss out on all the joy, fun, laughter and love too. However when we are talking about divorce emotions and the pain we are suffering at that time we would prefer to have no emotions at all. We would prefer to just deal with the divorce facts and nothing else – not go through the feelings as to what causes divorce.
What steps should we take to deal with our divorce emotions?
There are many different ways that people deal with their divorce. Some become very quiet about it and prefer not to discuss it hoping that it will all go away, wishing that maybe it’s all in their imagination. They also don’t want people’s sympathy because it makes them feel like such a failure. Others however decide to throw a party and celebrate the beginning of their new life whether or not it’s what they wanted. They buy themselves divorce gifts as a divorce aid and a substitution for a relationship.
What benefit are your emotions to you when you are going through this challenging time?
If you haven’t instigated the break up its like a death – the loss feels the same. And your emotions react in the same way to protect you. Initially you go numb. You don’t feel a thing. Then when that wears off the other emotions pour in. The anger, the blame, the grief, the self recrimination and eventually the acceptance. You may find it helpful to keep a divorce journal – a bit like a diary but specifically to write in everything about your divorce, your feelings, whats happening to you and any divorce tips that you think would be good to keep a note of.
Will there ever come a time when I look back on this experience without feeling such emotional agony?
Yes there will do. There are certain things that you can do to alleviate what has happened to you and to help you understand why this situation arose in the first place. In fact I would go so far as to say that someday you will look back on now and see this divorce as a divorce gift, something that needed to happen to improve the quality of your life. No I’m not being callous. I’m just wanting to help you look at what is happening to you in a different way by showing you the positive effects of divorce and supporting you whether or not it was your decision to leave.
So why should I look at this awful experience as a divorce gift?
Because I can show you a completely different way of looking at your relationship breakdown. I can share with you an explanation as to what is happening to you and why, which will bring you some understanding and comfort. It will also help you on your journey of personal growth and development. I introduce you to 3 steps to help you resolve your divorce depression and move forward and a further 3 steps to help you with your divorce and children during the whole procedure. Ultimately you will look at everything that you are going through as a gift however hard you find it to accept at this present time.
I can show you in detail in my e Book 3 Easy Steps to End Divorce Pain how to move beyond the pain and fear of this moment and into a much happier future. I can guide you and help you to end up in the same situation as myself, my friends and my clients who have all walked this pathway.
How to recover from divorce
Is it possible to achieve Divorce Recovery?
How are you feeling now?
Are you feeling:
- numb
- devastated
- traumatised
- empty
- lost
When I was going through my relationship break up I felt all these things. So many friends were coming to me for advice about their relationship issues. And then I had clients coming to see me about their relationship problems too. It made me stop and think about what was actually happening and whether it was possible to recover from divorce or a relationship breakdown.
Have you been stuck in this same place for sometime?
I noticed that there were certain similarities in all these situations. I knew that for me even though my social and business life had always gone well relationships were my biggest challenge. I couldn’t understand why even relationships which had started with such promise ended is such a dismal way. I had all these divorce questions and needed some divorce tips. There just had to be more to my life than all this personal pain and misery which in turn caused me to have a low self esteem and lack of confidence.
What has this relationship breakdown meant to you?
Do you feel as though it was all your fault and you will never be happy again? I know I blamed myself mulling over all the mistakes I thought I’d made and the wrong things I’d said. I even wondered if it was the clothes that I wore and how I behaved. I asked myself if there was there such a thing as divorce recovery? Perhaps you feel hatred towards your ex? I know after the shock and upset I did because it was a way of helping me cope – a safety device.
Will you ever recover from this divorce?
Feelings are so strong where relationships are concerned. My emotions were all over the place and I found it was so difficult to cope at work. Everywhere I looked there were happy couples but when I looked in the mirror there wasn’t a trace of happiness in my face. Would I ever be able to move on with my life and replace my divorce emotions with joyful ones? Does this sound familiar?
How to go about Divorce Recovery
I bet you want to recover from your divorce or relationship breakdown. I would imagine you want a whole new life where you are happy, fulfilled, full of fun and laughter. That’s how everyone I spoke to felt. So what could be stopping you – a four lettered word called FEAR? Fear that you may end up in a similar situation again where you feel as though life just isn’t worth living? You may even be asking Why divorce? But for you to have a new beginning there has to be an end to something that is no longer working.
Is there a future after Divorce or Relationship Breakdown?
There most certainly is and I have discovered the secret of divorce recovery. I suddenly realised what the similarities were with regard to mine and my friends and clients relationship breakups and the more I checked it out the more it confirmed my beliefs. As with all great revelations it is simple. If you want to know how to recover from divorce I share this secret with you in my e Book 3 Easy Steps to End Divorce Pain.
Are you wondering how to recover from divorce or a relationship breakdown?
I can show you
- how special you are
- how you have limited your potential
- how you have restricted your capacity for love
- how unique you are
- how much more powerful you are than you realise
I will show you
- how to change the way you look at yourself
- how to grow as a result of this experience
- how you will see this as the beginning of your brilliant new life
- how to put your divorce recovery into action
For more information and to learn how to create the new you read my e Book 3 Easy Steps to End Divorce Pain where I set it all out in an easy format guiding you through the process so that you can have the wonderful life you deserve.
Understanding the effects of divorce on children
What is the effect of divorce on children?
Your relationship is no longer working out and you can’t stand being in the same room any longer. There only seems one way out and that’s to get a divorce. But one of the major things that you have to consider is if you take this step, what will be the effects of your divorce on your children. This is a very important thing to consider as depending on the reason for you ending the relationship it will be as traumatic for them as for you.
Will it affect them for the rest of their life?
Your children, like you are special and unique. If you and your partner deal with this in a certain way the effect on them will be short term during which time they will need to consider what it means to them and then come to terms with it. Divorce and kids – it won’t be easy for them and it’s not easy for you. You and they are branching out into the unknown. There are questions that they may ask that you cannot immediately answer.
Will they be labelled by Society? 
Are you worried that people may be calling them divorce kids behind your back? Divorce and children aren’t a relationship that you had ever intended to go together. This is true of so many people who get married thinking that it will last for ever. After all if you’d thought it was going to fail you wouldn’t have got married, would you? However nothing stays the same and it depends whether we grow together or grow apart in our relationship.
Do you think your children are resilient?
How well do you know your children? How well do you know yourself? It’s only when we are experiencing times of trouble that we see what we and our children are made up of. Of course it depends on your child’s age as to how much they understand. Usually out of the ashes, if we are prepared to learn from the experience, a much better situation can arise, and then there are no long term effects of divorce on children. I know when you are just going into, or fully immersed in the pain of the breakup you may find that difficult to believe, but trust me its true.
Are they aware of what is going on between you and their other parent?
You and your partner may think that you have kept everything from your children but they will have sensed that something is going on. They are very intuitive and will be aware that things are not how they were. Depending on their age they may alert you to this by being difficult, by being clingy or by bedwetting. These are some of the effects of divorce on children.
Do you know what to say to your children?
Divorce and children are always a situation that don’t go together comfortably and you may have seen the bad effects of divorce on children. It could be that your parents divorced and you had been determined that you would not put your children in that situation. There are circumstances though when it is best for all concerned that the family no longer stays as a single unit. Don’t beat yourself up. It is what it is. They are your children – speak to them.
Why can’t I help saying nasty things to and about my partner?
However hurt you are you need to remember that your children will be in even more of a turmoil if they hear their mummy and daddy saying really nasty things to each other. This is a very negative effect of divorce on children. It will be just as painful for them if they hear you saying them to someone else. So for their sake wait to say these things until you know that the children are not in the house or go somewhere where you know that they aren’t. Read my eBook where I show you how you can change your feelings and grow as a result of the experience.
In my eBook 3 Easy Steps to End Divorce Pain I address all the above in much greater depth and help you through your own challenges and those of your children. This eBook relates to your own journey and my other eBook How to Lessen the Effects of Divorce on Children, which I’m giving away as a FREE bonus, relates to your children’s journey and makes suggestions as to how you can ease their way through the pain and the hurt of your divorce.