Reasons for Divorce
How many reasons are there for divorce?
This question can be looked at in different ways. There are the divorce grounds as stated in the courts such as
- cruelty
- adultery
- irretrievable breakdown
- desertion
- lengthy prison sentence
- bigamy
However there are also the emotional reasons as to why 2 people feel they can no longer live together and so need to end their relationship in divorce.
Why do people choose to divorce?
When 2 people meet and there is a mutual attraction our biological built in responses kick in. We experience a chemical change and fall in love with the other person feeling that we just can’t live without them. As a result of this, we generally either end up marrying them or co-habiting with them. You cannot possibly know the other person before you live with them. After all how often do you surprise yourself and you’ve always been there? So after a time one of you starts to realise that the person they married is not who they thought they were and decides that they no longer want to live with someone who has become a stranger to them.
Is this always the reason?
In very broad terms yes. However as everyone is unique so is everyone’s story and reasons. When people are living apart they are
able to conceal certain parts of their character which are not so attractive to another person. But when they are living together these different aspects reveal themselves even if the other person has made a decision to keep these darker parts of him or herself secret as it is impossible to hide them all the time despite their intent.
Is getting married when you are very young a reason for a marriage to fail?
Not always. It depends on the circumstances and the people involved. When individuals who are very young get married they have not finished maturing and turning into the adult that they will become. As they grow older and evolve into the special individual that is them they sometimes find that they have grown away from their partner. This is because they are changing in different ways and no longer have the same common interests that they used to share. These differences then provide the divorce grounds.
What if I decide to stay?
The choice is always yours and you have to live with the consequences. You can however suffer with divorce effects without the divorce. Loneliness within a marriage or relationship is worse than the loneliness you feel when you are on your own. So you may still experience divorce depression, divorce grief and divorce emotions without the benefit of divorce support. It can be a very challenging time especially if you are not sharing your problems with anyone.
So are you saying that I have no future if I stay?
No thats not what I mean. If you decide to stay then you must commit yourself wholeheartedly to the relationship and go and get help if you need it either together or individually from counsellors and/or therapists. But it isn’t just about your relationship with your partner it’s also about the relationship which you have with yourself. I set out various strategies in my eBook 3 Easy Steps to End Divorce Pain to help you to improve your life and these work just as effectively whether you are staying in your relationship or whether you are looking for divorce advice and divorce help.
What do you mean about the relationship with myself?
Whether you decide to stay with your husband or partner or leave, the one constant in your life is YOU. You are there for yourself 24/7 and much of the time you are not being very supportive. There is this nagging voice inside you who criticises you 
regularly and affects your self esteem and feelings of self worth. So because you cannot escape from yourself it makes sense to do whatever you can to improve your relationship with you. You can have as many reasons for divorce from yourself as you can from another person and I get to the real understanding of what you can do to help yourself in my eBook.
So actually the best thing that I can do to help my relationship is to look at myself?
Yes thats absolutely right. You cannot change your partner. You can look at divorce options, divorce statistics and ask yourself why divorce? But at the end of the line the only person you can change is yourself. The upshot of this is that by changing yourself you may make your relationship work or you might decide that it really is in your and your partner’s best interests to get help on divorce. But by this stage because of the work that you have been doing on yourself, you will survive and be able to move on to a great new life because you will have changed your attitude towards yourself and what you feel you deserve.
Divorce Emotions
How are you feeling?
‘How do you think I’m feeling? My marriage or relationship has broken down and I’m devastated’, I can hear you say. Strangely enough even if you are the one that ended the relationship you will still be feeling very odd about it all. You would have been expecting to be feeling quite relieved and maybe even happy because you had finally spoken your feelings and moved out or asked your spouse/partner to leave but to your surprise you are upset. Even to the extent of asking yourself why divorce? Is it really what you want? You have temporarily forgotten all the reasons why you chose to end the relationship!
Why do we have emotions?
They seem to always be getting in the way. We appear to be ruled by our emotions and there are times when they completely
take us over and we behave most irrationally. When we are happy the world is a wonderful place even if its cold and raining. But if we are unhappy the world is grey, cold and unfriendly even if the sun is out and it’s a hot summers day. And now just when you think you can start all over again you find you are suffering with divorce grief and wondering what your divorce options are.
What would our lives be like without emotions?
It would be a much quieter place but it would be very dull. It’s our emotions that inspire us and make us connect to beautiful things such as art, nature, music and other people. If there were no emotions we wouldn’t get hurt but we’d miss out on all the joy, fun, laughter and love too. However when we are talking about divorce emotions and the pain we are suffering at that time we would prefer to have no emotions at all. We would prefer to just deal with the divorce facts and nothing else – not go through the feelings as to what causes divorce.
What steps should we take to deal with our divorce emotions?
There are many different ways that people deal with their divorce. Some become very quiet about it and prefer not to discuss it hoping that it will all go away, wishing that maybe it’s all in their imagination. They also don’t want people’s sympathy because it makes them feel like such a failure. Others however decide to throw a party and celebrate the beginning of their new life whether or not it’s what they wanted. They buy themselves divorce gifts as a divorce aid and a substitution for a relationship.
What benefit are your emotions to you when you are going through this challenging time?
If you haven’t instigated the break up its like a death – the loss feels the same. And your emotions react in the same way to protect you. Initially you go numb. You don’t feel a thing. Then when that wears off the other emotions pour in. The anger, the blame, the grief, the self recrimination and eventually the acceptance. You may find it helpful to keep a divorce journal – a bit like a diary but specifically to write in everything about your divorce, your feelings, whats happening to you and any divorce tips that you think would be good to keep a note of.
Will there ever come a time when I look back on this experience without feeling such emotional agony?
Yes there will do. There are certain things that you can do to alleviate what has happened to you and to help you understand why this situation arose in the first place. In fact I would go so far as to say that someday you will look back on now and see this divorce as a divorce gift, something that needed to happen to improve the quality of your life. No I’m not being callous. I’m just wanting to help you look at what is happening to you in a different way by showing you the positive effects of divorce and supporting you whether or not it was your decision to leave.
So why should I look at this awful experience as a divorce gift?
Because I can show you a completely different way of looking at your relationship breakdown. I can share with you an explanation as to what is happening to you and why, which will bring you some understanding and comfort. It will also help you on your journey of personal growth and development. I introduce you to 3 steps to help you resolve your divorce depression and move forward and a further 3 steps to help you with your divorce and children during the whole procedure. Ultimately you will look at everything that you are going through as a gift however hard you find it to accept at this present time.
I can show you in detail in my e Book 3 Easy Steps to End Divorce Pain how to move beyond the pain and fear of this moment and into a much happier future. I can guide you and help you to end up in the same situation as myself, my friends and my clients who have all walked this pathway.
Divorce Depression
Why did my relationship end so disastrously?
- You thought it had all been going so well.
- You hadn’t seen it coming.
- It was totally unexpected.
- There had been no warning
So what do you do now? You are suffering from divorce depression. You don’t want to go anywhere. You don’t want to speak to anyone unless it’s about him. You can’t sleep and you can’t imagine how you will get through this. You need divorce help.
How can anyone give me any divorce help?
- No one else has ever gone through anything like this
- Others have had divorces and relationship break ups but mine is much worse
- I can’t cope and neither can my children
- I have no future without him
- I’ve lost all feeling
I will never be able to accept any divorce advice because I will never understand any reasons for divorce. I refuse to become just a faceless number included in the divorce rate.
Is this the end of my world?
You may feel that this is the end of the world and you are all alone but I assure you that this isn’t the case. By looking at the divorce statistics you can see that many have travelled this road before you and many will travel it afterwards. I know though that this isn’t any help to you at the present moment because when you are going through it you can’t imagine that anyone else could have felt so bad.
Why do I keep repeating relationship disasters?
Everytime you go into a relationship you think it will be different. You were so full of hope and enthusiam this time but it still went wrong. When you extricate yourself from this you will be too scared for some time to have another relationship in case it goes wrong again. Alternatively you may leap straight into another relationship because you don’t know what else to do. You need some divorce care and divorce advice for women. My divorce guidance to you is that you need to love yourself and put yourself and your children first, before any current or potential partner.
I am so unhappy I don’t know what to do to make myself feel better.
You are aching with divorce grief. Its perfectly natural to feel like this. Don’t give yourself a hard time – just be gentle with yourself. After all you’ve put a lot of time and effort into this relationship and now its over. Its a bit like putting some money in a saving account every week for years planning a dream holiday or some other luxury and then one day you get a letter from the bank telling you that you have lost your money – it’s all gone without a trace. And this is a much bigger loss, you’ve invested much more in this. No wonder you are suffering from divorce depression.
Where can I go for divorce aid?
You’re hurting so much you don’t know who to turn to and in the midst of all this you’re still meant to go on functioning. You still have to
- go to work
- do the shopping
- look after the kids
- cook the meals
- try to carry on as normal
How difficult is this when you find just getting up and getting dressed is a challenge? At least if you have children then they give you a reason for getting up and coming home. There isn’t the emptiness you get if you are on your own. But the downside is it doesn’t give you the opportunity to be on your own and release your divorce grief.
Am I really so difficult to love? 
This is the million dollar question and it’s one which will keep playing through your mind as you lie there trying to get to sleep. I must be because otherwise he would still be here. Well the good news is that NO you are not difficult to love and when your divorce grief and divorce depression have played themselves out you will realise this. However if you don’t love yourself then you are not setting the right standard for someone else to love you fully.
What I really need is a divorce guide
It would be really helpful if there was a divorce guide that set out everything you needed to know both legally and emotionally. My eBook 3 Easy Steps to End Divorce Pain doesn’t cover the legal side of divorce and relationship breakups but it does look at it from a mind, body, and soul perspective. It explains why things have happened to you and what you can do to make changes. In other words it takes you on a journey of personal growth which will ensure that you do not go back into a repeat situation. It also teaches you how to love yourself.
Understanding the effects of divorce on children
What is the effect of divorce on children?
Your relationship is no longer working out and you can’t stand being in the same room any longer. There only seems one way out and that’s to get a divorce. But one of the major things that you have to consider is if you take this step, what will be the effects of your divorce on your children. This is a very important thing to consider as depending on the reason for you ending the relationship it will be as traumatic for them as for you.
Will it affect them for the rest of their life?
Your children, like you are special and unique. If you and your partner deal with this in a certain way the effect on them will be short term during which time they will need to consider what it means to them and then come to terms with it. Divorce and kids – it won’t be easy for them and it’s not easy for you. You and they are branching out into the unknown. There are questions that they may ask that you cannot immediately answer.
Will they be labelled by Society? 
Are you worried that people may be calling them divorce kids behind your back? Divorce and children aren’t a relationship that you had ever intended to go together. This is true of so many people who get married thinking that it will last for ever. After all if you’d thought it was going to fail you wouldn’t have got married, would you? However nothing stays the same and it depends whether we grow together or grow apart in our relationship.
Do you think your children are resilient?
How well do you know your children? How well do you know yourself? It’s only when we are experiencing times of trouble that we see what we and our children are made up of. Of course it depends on your child’s age as to how much they understand. Usually out of the ashes, if we are prepared to learn from the experience, a much better situation can arise, and then there are no long term effects of divorce on children. I know when you are just going into, or fully immersed in the pain of the breakup you may find that difficult to believe, but trust me its true.
Are they aware of what is going on between you and their other parent?
You and your partner may think that you have kept everything from your children but they will have sensed that something is going on. They are very intuitive and will be aware that things are not how they were. Depending on their age they may alert you to this by being difficult, by being clingy or by bedwetting. These are some of the effects of divorce on children.
Do you know what to say to your children?
Divorce and children are always a situation that don’t go together comfortably and you may have seen the bad effects of divorce on children. It could be that your parents divorced and you had been determined that you would not put your children in that situation. There are circumstances though when it is best for all concerned that the family no longer stays as a single unit. Don’t beat yourself up. It is what it is. They are your children – speak to them.
Why can’t I help saying nasty things to and about my partner?
However hurt you are you need to remember that your children will be in even more of a turmoil if they hear their mummy and daddy saying really nasty things to each other. This is a very negative effect of divorce on children. It will be just as painful for them if they hear you saying them to someone else. So for their sake wait to say these things until you know that the children are not in the house or go somewhere where you know that they aren’t. Read my eBook where I show you how you can change your feelings and grow as a result of the experience.
In my eBook 3 Easy Steps to End Divorce Pain I address all the above in much greater depth and help you through your own challenges and those of your children. This eBook relates to your own journey and my other eBook How to Lessen the Effects of Divorce on Children, which I’m giving away as a FREE bonus, relates to your children’s journey and makes suggestions as to how you can ease their way through the pain and the hurt of your divorce.