Should I stay in this abusive relationship for the sake of the children?
How often do you look at your children?
I bet its several times a day especially when they do something new that they’ve never done before. Do you remember the first time when you held them in your arms? All that hard work had been worth it. I always remember my mother saying it was the most painful experience but as soon as you held your baby you forgot about what you’d just been through. You’d looked after yourself for 9 months making sure that you hadn’t eaten or drunk anything that could affect the health of your baby, to give it its best fighting chance. And then it arrived. The last thought on your mind was about the effects of divorce on children.
Did you bond straight away or was it a delayed reaction because of your hormones?
There is so much pressure put on a new mum. The experience is different from what you were expecting however many books you’d read. Nothing could totally prepare you for the responsibility of taking this tiny being home and looking after it. Even bathing it was a scary experience in case it fell out of your hands because the soap had made its skin so slippy. You never even considered that you may suffer from divorce depression one day.
How do you feel when you look at your sleeping child?
They are so vulnerable and innocent with their eyes closed, breathing gently whilst they are in that far away land of dreams. However naughty they may have been during the day your heart fills with love looking at them and you know that you have to protect them against all odds as they are too small to do this for themselves. Not only do they not have the strength but they don’t have the mental capabilities. You decide to stay in your abusive relationship so that they have some sort of family life and you don’t want them to suffer any divorce effects.
What if your partner becomes abusive towards the children?
He won’t, is your immediate reaction. Question your reasons for staying in a relationship where you fear hearing his key in the lock in case he ‘s been drinking or had another bad day. You know if this is the case he will use you as his punch bag. Not only is this terrible for you but it means the children will grow up in fear and anger, wanting to protect you but also thinking this is the normal way to behave. These are reasons for divorce. Maybe he always apologises the next day and you believe him when he says it won’t happen again, but it always does.
Are your children living in fear of your husband/partner?
In recent months there have been many cases of child abuse reported in the papers. The people who do this to a child are not balanced, happy loving human beings. There is something inside them which is badly damaged and they need professional help and guidance. Even though you may have loved them once the love and protection you feel for your children is so strong that it is in yours and their best interests for you to end the relationship and get divorce help. I explain more about this in my free bonus eBook How to Lessen the Effects of Divorce on Children.
Will being divorce kids affect the rest of their lives?
Not if the situation is handled sensitively and with love. If however you stay and your partner does abuse them then this can have a detrimental lifetime effect on your children. Abuse comes in many different forms – it can be mental as well as physical, undermining their confidence and making them feel like victims. You will recognise this though because you are already suffering from these effects. In my eBook 3 Easy Steps to End Divorce Pain I give you divorce support to help you to recover from what has happened to you by showing you a completely different way of looking at yourself and your life.
Divorce advice for women
Is my relationship beyond repair?
This is a question that you need to ask yourself in the cold light of day – not when you’re feeling emotionally upset and unbalanced. If you’ve had too much to drink to numb your pain this will make you unstable and incapable of answering this question honestly. Also there is not a lot to be gained by relying on other people to answer this question for you as they may have their own agenda in that they don’t like your partner or that they never thought it would work out. If you choose to leave, it must be because of your reasons for divorce, not anyone elses.
Should I stay with him?
You have to be brutally honest with yourself when you answer this question. In fact the question that you should be asking is ‘Is it in my best interests to stay with him?’. It’s always so difficult to make decisions when you are in the middle of all the turmoil and hurt. When you are standing outside and being objective it is easy to say what that person should do but when its you its a different matter. This is your life and you have to deal with the consequences if you stay or the divorce emotions if you leave.
Will things change if I stay?
In your heart you know whether they will or not. The problem with us women is that when we marry someone we are so much in love that we overlook any little irritations or faults that we are aware of and think that we can change them anyway. But then as the euphoria wears off and these irritations become more obvious we then realise that actually we can’t change him. In fact the only person that we can change is ourselves. So thats one of the things you have to consider – he won’t change but can you change yourself so that the issues that are causing the problems are resolved? 
Is life without him more scary than staying with him?
A lot of women stay with their partners because they are fearful of the life that they will have on their own, especially if there are children involved. In many cases the children are the main reason that they stay. If however you know in your heart that everything about the relationship is wrong then you are better off leaving, spending some time on your own experiencing personal growth and creating the opportunity for the right relationship to come into your life.
But will I survive on my own?
Yes you will. I’m not saying that it will be easy for you but you will survive. Our survival instinct is older than time and especially if you have children to care for you will make sure that you ‘hang on in there’ for their sake. You will be surprised as well at all the help and support you will be offered by friends and family and even people that you haven’t yet met. It is the end of something but you have to have an end so that there can be a beginning. You will be given plenty of divorce help and divorce support and you will find plenty of advice on divorce for women in my eBook 3 Easy Steps to End Divorce Pain.
Our children will be affected by my decision.
Of course they will because he is their father, or father figure, as you are their mother. For you, you are not just considering getting advice on divorce for women but you are also looking for divorce advice for mothers. If your divorce is handled with sensitivity and the emotions and needs of your children are taken into account then a child can be more content living in a happy, peaceful atmosphere with just one parent than in a bitter, argumentative home situation with both parents.
How can I make sure that the children aren’t emotionally scarred by this experience?
There are many different factors to take into account here such as your children’s age and gender. And of course the way that you and your partner treat them is of paramount importance. It will be a challenging time for you all because emotions will be running very high and you may suffer with divorce grief and divorce depression. However in my eBook How to Lessen the Effects of Divorce on Children I show you how to deal with this situation to cause as minimal amount of emotional upset to the children as possible.
If I leave will we all be able to move on with our lives?
Yes you will. It will take a bit of time as everyone adjusts to the new situation, the new home, the access arrangements but we, as human beings, are amazingly resilient, and it doesn’t take us too long to adapt to what is our new ‘norm’. Once some distance in time has been put between you leaving and today and emotions have calmed down, you may even find that you and your partner get on much better than when you were living together. There have also been some instances where the space caused by you leaving makes you both look at your relationship in a different light and even decide to give it another go.
Long term effects of divorce on children
Does divorce have long term effects on children?
Usually it is the whole process of divorce on children which affects them. It doesn’t generally just happen one day that you and your partner decide to divorce and then tell the kids immediately. There will have been obvious signs that things weren’t right between the two of you such as rows, tears, drinking, staying out late or maybe not coming home at all. Children, like animals, are very sensitive to atmosphere and so will have picked up that something is going on.
So the really painful time for the children is while we are still together?
A childs security is wrapped up in its relationship with its parents. When the cracks start to show and the relationship begins to crumble the child starts feeling very insecure. He can then become very introverted because he is hoping that if he’s very quiet he can’t make the situation worse by saying the wrong thing. One of the psychological effects of divorce on children is that they feel that they are to blame and that it is all their fault.
Is there anything we can do to make it easier for them?
Most couples find this very difficult to deal with as they are so wrapped up in their own emotions, their distress and grief that they are finding it hard enough to function themselves without considering how their behaviour is affecting anyone else, let alone their children. In the bonus eBook How to Lessen the Effects of Divorce on Children which I am giving away free with my eBook 3 Easy Steps to End Divorce Pain I explain in detail how to make things easier for the children and get right down to the core of the matter. I show how to reduce the negative effect of divorce on children.
What about when we’ve separated and live in different places?
A childs main fear is what is going to happen to me when my parents really do stop living together, when the rows actually culminate in the definate action of one parent moving out. At that stage one of the children depending on their age, usually takes on an adult role – one child expressed it as the ‘end of his childhood’. If they’re not careful even though you are no longer all under the same roof they can still get dragged into the arguments and end up taking sides which in itself is very distresssing for the child concerned.
What are some other effects of divorce on children?
Unless they have been the victims of abuse, whether sexual, drug or alcohol related, at home in which case there can only be the positive effects of divorce on children, it is a very upsetting and unsettling time for them. They don’t quite know what’s going to happen to their family unit and find dealing with the divorce depression which pervades the house very difficult. They may become agressive or violent as they struggle to deal with the emotions that are welling up inside them and that they are trying to deal with.
But over a period of time the attitude of the children and divorce effects will lessen won’t they?
It should do but it depends on the parents attitude. Some parents have dragged it all on for so long through the courts blaming the other party and have beome so bitter and controlling that the divorce has taken over their lives and subsequently affected their children giving them a very distorted view of the way relationships work. It can also leave a child struggling with long term emotional issues. This and other important issues are discussed in detail in my eBook and I give you help and guidance to assist both yourself and your children whilst you journey through this emotional minefield.
Reasons for Divorce
How many reasons are there for divorce?
This question can be looked at in different ways. There are the divorce grounds as stated in the courts such as
- cruelty
- adultery
- irretrievable breakdown
- desertion
- lengthy prison sentence
- bigamy
However there are also the emotional reasons as to why 2 people feel they can no longer live together and so need to end their relationship in divorce.
Why do people choose to divorce?
When 2 people meet and there is a mutual attraction our biological built in responses kick in. We experience a chemical change and fall in love with the other person feeling that we just can’t live without them. As a result of this, we generally either end up marrying them or co-habiting with them. You cannot possibly know the other person before you live with them. After all how often do you surprise yourself and you’ve always been there? So after a time one of you starts to realise that the person they married is not who they thought they were and decides that they no longer want to live with someone who has become a stranger to them.
Is this always the reason?
In very broad terms yes. However as everyone is unique so is everyone’s story and reasons. When people are living apart they are
able to conceal certain parts of their character which are not so attractive to another person. But when they are living together these different aspects reveal themselves even if the other person has made a decision to keep these darker parts of him or herself secret as it is impossible to hide them all the time despite their intent.
Is getting married when you are very young a reason for a marriage to fail?
Not always. It depends on the circumstances and the people involved. When individuals who are very young get married they have not finished maturing and turning into the adult that they will become. As they grow older and evolve into the special individual that is them they sometimes find that they have grown away from their partner. This is because they are changing in different ways and no longer have the same common interests that they used to share. These differences then provide the divorce grounds.
What if I decide to stay?
The choice is always yours and you have to live with the consequences. You can however suffer with divorce effects without the divorce. Loneliness within a marriage or relationship is worse than the loneliness you feel when you are on your own. So you may still experience divorce depression, divorce grief and divorce emotions without the benefit of divorce support. It can be a very challenging time especially if you are not sharing your problems with anyone.
So are you saying that I have no future if I stay?
No thats not what I mean. If you decide to stay then you must commit yourself wholeheartedly to the relationship and go and get help if you need it either together or individually from counsellors and/or therapists. But it isn’t just about your relationship with your partner it’s also about the relationship which you have with yourself. I set out various strategies in my eBook 3 Easy Steps to End Divorce Pain to help you to improve your life and these work just as effectively whether you are staying in your relationship or whether you are looking for divorce advice and divorce help.
What do you mean about the relationship with myself?
Whether you decide to stay with your husband or partner or leave, the one constant in your life is YOU. You are there for yourself 24/7 and much of the time you are not being very supportive. There is this nagging voice inside you who criticises you 
regularly and affects your self esteem and feelings of self worth. So because you cannot escape from yourself it makes sense to do whatever you can to improve your relationship with you. You can have as many reasons for divorce from yourself as you can from another person and I get to the real understanding of what you can do to help yourself in my eBook.
So actually the best thing that I can do to help my relationship is to look at myself?
Yes thats absolutely right. You cannot change your partner. You can look at divorce options, divorce statistics and ask yourself why divorce? But at the end of the line the only person you can change is yourself. The upshot of this is that by changing yourself you may make your relationship work or you might decide that it really is in your and your partner’s best interests to get help on divorce. But by this stage because of the work that you have been doing on yourself, you will survive and be able to move on to a great new life because you will have changed your attitude towards yourself and what you feel you deserve.
Separation and divorce advice
Who can I talk to?
When your relationship is falling apart its often very difficult to get helpful impartial advice. As far as divorce definition is concerned, generally, your friends and family will support you and his friends and family will support him. They will tell you what they think you want to hear and will also possibly get caught up in the 3D world of the mind looking at everything through the eyes of fear and blame. It has to be someone’s fault so it must be the fault of the other party, not their daughter, son etc. However even though this is emotionally satisfying it’s not particularly helpful in allowing you to work through your feelings.
Will mutual friends be able to give me advice?
This can be challenging for you as well as for them. You need to question your motives in this situation. Are you wanting their advice on divorce or are you talking to them because
- of all the happy days you’ve spent together as 2 couples
- you’re hoping he might pop round to see them whilst you’re there
- you want to hear something about him
- you are hoping that they may be able to tell him what a mistake he’s made and make him see sense
- if he hears from them how unhappy you are he may ask for the opportunity for you to give your relationship another go
- you are hoping that they will tell him what a great time you are having and make him jealous even if you’re not
- you want to be told that he’s really missing you and that he’s made a mistake
These are really bad reasons for talking to them and they may find it difficult to remain friends with both of you.
Should I be selective in whom I turn to for advice? 
The short answer to this is yes! You need to be aware of other people’s agendas. You are at an all time low, you are vulnerable and therefore it would be easy for you to be taken advantage of. A stranger may appear to be concerned, attentive and supportive but he could just be considering his own interests and not yours. At a time like this it is very important that you don’t do anything which with hindsight you will regret and that will weigh you down even more heavily than before. If you need divorce care choose carefully who you approach.
Can I share my feelings with my really close friends and get advice from them?
Of course you can – thats what friends are for and you badly need divorce support. However its amazing how your break up can change your relationships with those around you. Its true what they say that you always find out who your real friends are when times get tough. The advice that you really need to receive is gentle, loving advice, not just blind support agreeing that your partner is totally in the wrong about everything. You need someone who is prepared to listen as you unburden yourself and say the same things over and over again to try and get things straight in your head.
Is getting professional advice a good idea?
Any separation and divorce advice that you can get is a great idea. And if its from someone who is impartial and not caught up in the whole emotion of the event it will be really beneficial. They may give you a divorce test to see whether divorce is right for you and what you really want. There are a whole range of people that you can go to for advice ranging from a solicitor who can explain your legal situation to a counsellor who can help you emotionally. There are also mind, body, and soul therapists, of which I am one, who can help you reach a deeper understanding of why this has happened.
What would you consider to be a good piece of advice to give to me?
My advice on divorce and separation is that I would suggest that you try and remain centred in your heartbreak and not behave in a way that when you become less emotional and more rational you will regret, as this can cause more harm than good. It is perfectly natural to feel grief because something has ended, something you thought would last for ever has been lost and just as when someone you love dies, you have to honour this process and be gentle with yourself. The most important, and possibly the most challenging issue however, is to forgive both your ex and yourself. I discuss this more in chapter 10 of 3 Easy Steps to End Divorce Pain.
What about the children?
For the children this is a particularly difficult time. Their security and everything that they know in the form of their parents is crumbling and they will be feeling lost and out of their depth, in many instances blaming themselves for what has gone wrong. I write in detail about divorce and children, their feelings and the best way to handle the breakup in order to minimise the effect that it could have on them in my eBook How to Lessen the Effects of Divorce on Children. They look to their parents for all their knowledge and learning and if your breakup is not handled with care it could have far reaching effects on your children in adulthood.
Do you have any more separation and divorce advice?
Because I am an energy healer and work in a mind, body soul based way I look at a relationship breakup with rather a different approach from the mind based concept of failure because the relationship hasn’t worked. I see it as showing you something else which can change you in a positive way, be empowering and enable you to enjoy personal growth thereby changing your life for the better. I explain this in detail to you in my eBook setting out 3 easy steps for you to follow which enables you to move forward into a new space from the one you are currently in.
In 3 Easy Steps to End Divorce Pain I take you step by step through the emotional process of divorce and relationship breakup and show you not only how to survive but how to end up in a much heathier and happier space than where you were before.
Divorce effects on children statistics
What are the benefits of looking at divorce statistics?
Statistics are interesting to look at especially when it relates to something that you are interested in and/or considering doing. On the face of it they appear very straightforward when you look at the diagrams, the graphs and the explanations. For instance you are considering marriage – what are the chances that your marriage will not become a divorce statistic? Or maybe you are considering a divorce and you want to know how many other people have walked this pathway.
What is the level of accuracy of these divorce statistics?
When I was talking to my clients I wondered if it would help them to consider what the divorce statistics had to say. Would it make their decisions any easier or would it just confuse them further? Did the statistics include all the details that my clients needed to take into account? Were they misleading at all? Did they help and show what causes divorce? Did they really explain divorce facts or were they too difficult to understand adding more difficulties to an already highly emotionally charged set of circumstances?
What are the divorce statistics in USA?
There are special bodies that compile statistics for different countries. For instance in the US the body who does this is the United States Census Bureau. And in the UK the body who compiles the statistics is the Office for National Statistics. According to the United States Census Bureau there has been a downward decline in divorces in the period 1990 to 2009 (CDC/NCHS, National Vital Statistics System). The question to be asked though is, are there fewer marriages taking place? Are couples choosing to co-habit instead? In chapter 10 of my FREE bonus eBook How to Lessen the Effects of Divorce on Children I get into the real depth of these statistics.
What does the National Centre for Health Statistics say?
This is another organisation in the US who provide statistical data for all things including Marriages and Divorces. It is worth looking at and reading these figures but it should be remembered that all statistics, including divorce statistics, can be biased depending on the data that has been inputted. Remember that each number represents a person, a family and there is a story behind each one. You can read more about the meaning behind the numbers in my FREE bonus eBook which comes with my eBook 3 Easy Steps to End Divorce Pain.
What are the effects of divorce on children statistics?
Statistics about the effects of divorce on children have been compiled but not in the same way as the previously mentioned statistics. The psychological effects of divorce on children are far reaching and you can investigate this yourself by looking at how the children of your divorced friends react in certain situations. I set out in more detail the divorce effects on children statistics in Chapter 10 of my FREE bonus eBook How to Lessen the Effects of Divorce on Children. I also give more information in Chapters 3 and 4 in the same bonus eBook about the effect that their age and gender will have on the way they react to their parents divorce.
What are the effects of divorce on children?
As children, like ourselves, are unique so are their experiences and their reactions. As previously stated divorce effects on childrens statistics vary considerably depending on a great number of differing factors. Age and gender are relevant but it may be that you won’t know the real effect until they are older and choose to discuss it in more detail with you. The most important factor for them is the way that you and your partner handle the relationship breakdown and I give you some guidance in my bonus eBook which I give free with my eBook 3 Easy Steps to End Divorce Pain.
Is the above a foregone conclusion?
I don’t believe that divorced parents or parents who are on the verge of divorce should despair. Despite the divorce statistics each person and each child is an individual. How much should you rely on the divorce statistics relating to your own relationship and the effects of divorce on children statistics? Many of my friends and clients have divorced over the years and I have had the great good fortune to know their children and see first hand what effect their parents divorce has had on them. I talk more about this and give you some useful insights in my eBook How to Lessen the Effect of Divorce on Children.
Understanding the effects of divorce on children
What is the effect of divorce on children?
Your relationship is no longer working out and you can’t stand being in the same room any longer. There only seems one way out and that’s to get a divorce. But one of the major things that you have to consider is if you take this step, what will be the effects of your divorce on your children. This is a very important thing to consider as depending on the reason for you ending the relationship it will be as traumatic for them as for you.
Will it affect them for the rest of their life?
Your children, like you are special and unique. If you and your partner deal with this in a certain way the effect on them will be short term during which time they will need to consider what it means to them and then come to terms with it. Divorce and kids – it won’t be easy for them and it’s not easy for you. You and they are branching out into the unknown. There are questions that they may ask that you cannot immediately answer.
Will they be labelled by Society? 
Are you worried that people may be calling them divorce kids behind your back? Divorce and children aren’t a relationship that you had ever intended to go together. This is true of so many people who get married thinking that it will last for ever. After all if you’d thought it was going to fail you wouldn’t have got married, would you? However nothing stays the same and it depends whether we grow together or grow apart in our relationship.
Do you think your children are resilient?
How well do you know your children? How well do you know yourself? It’s only when we are experiencing times of trouble that we see what we and our children are made up of. Of course it depends on your child’s age as to how much they understand. Usually out of the ashes, if we are prepared to learn from the experience, a much better situation can arise, and then there are no long term effects of divorce on children. I know when you are just going into, or fully immersed in the pain of the breakup you may find that difficult to believe, but trust me its true.
Are they aware of what is going on between you and their other parent?
You and your partner may think that you have kept everything from your children but they will have sensed that something is going on. They are very intuitive and will be aware that things are not how they were. Depending on their age they may alert you to this by being difficult, by being clingy or by bedwetting. These are some of the effects of divorce on children.
Do you know what to say to your children?
Divorce and children are always a situation that don’t go together comfortably and you may have seen the bad effects of divorce on children. It could be that your parents divorced and you had been determined that you would not put your children in that situation. There are circumstances though when it is best for all concerned that the family no longer stays as a single unit. Don’t beat yourself up. It is what it is. They are your children – speak to them.
Why can’t I help saying nasty things to and about my partner?
However hurt you are you need to remember that your children will be in even more of a turmoil if they hear their mummy and daddy saying really nasty things to each other. This is a very negative effect of divorce on children. It will be just as painful for them if they hear you saying them to someone else. So for their sake wait to say these things until you know that the children are not in the house or go somewhere where you know that they aren’t. Read my eBook where I show you how you can change your feelings and grow as a result of the experience.
In my eBook 3 Easy Steps to End Divorce Pain I address all the above in much greater depth and help you through your own challenges and those of your children. This eBook relates to your own journey and my other eBook How to Lessen the Effects of Divorce on Children, which I’m giving away as a FREE bonus, relates to your children’s journey and makes suggestions as to how you can ease their way through the pain and the hurt of your divorce.